A Marriage Audit - 12 questions every couple should reflect on

I am not a marriage counselor or therapist and do not pretend to be one, but I have been married for 40 years and I do know I am at my best when I am happy in LOVE. Recently I came across an article that really got me thinking. Whether you are newlywed or feel your relationship is nearly dead, the article is inspiring and provides food for thought. It is always important to proactively protect your marriage and prevent the patterns that cause it to lose its spark. Over time the road to happily ever after can get mired with potholes and distractions. Assumptions and misunderstanding take the place of heartfelt communication. This can breed hurt, mistrust, and lack of intimacy. It becomes harder to allow yourself to be vulnerable and create a safe space for getting your relationship back on the right path. If you feel your marriage needs an RX, engaging in honest dialogue will surely help to rekindle your connection and inspire an ailing marriage.

Regardless of where you are on your journey to Happily Ever After, ask yourself some of the following questions.

1. Do you kiss to say hello or goodbye?

Is there always a goodbye kiss, or do you barely look up as your partner leaves the house? And what about your hellos? A perfunctory “Hi”? Think about how friends interact — they never leave or arrive without exchanging a kiss or respectful attention. This is especially important when you’re upset with each other, because how you react at meeting and parting provides a little reset. Even if you sometimes feel like growling instead of kissing, that four-second show of attention/dedication matters.

2. How much of your communication is about logistics?

In any long-term relationship there’s a lot of admin and schedule talk. But it can leave you craving something more meaningful; you want your partner to be interested and surprise you. Think about reviving an activity you used to love doing together — even something as simple as cooking. Or maybe it’s gardening, golfing, or gallery visits. Find your way to start connecting. You need to create the conditions that facilitate more intimate conversation. Inspirational not only operational interactions.

3. Is your routine too predictable?

There’s great comfort in two people having wine in front of the TV together. It’s easy, it’s relaxing, but it’s not always togetherness. Many couples, sitting in the same room are afraid to challenge the status quo. Their relationship is in operational mode. People fear that rocking the boat by expressing dissatisfaction might sink it. Delivering on diminished expectations is not healthy for your marriage. Boredom can put you on the fast lane toward crisis. Complaining is not the answer – connecting is. One of you must risk discomfort for that to happen. You might say, “Let’s go for a walk tonight. I’ve missed our talks,” or, “I’d really like to talk to you about my day.”

4. Is the sex fun or is it a chore?

Are you excited by the thoughts of “doing this again tomorrow”? Or are you relieved and think “Glad that’s over for another month”? There will be feast and famine but if you’re a couple in sync with no underlying resentments sex doesn’t have to become a weighted issue. Absent a vital sex life you can still understand each other and neither has reason to feel slighted. Sometimes sex is the relationship glue, but it can’t fix spiraling emotional distance. Feeling you can’t trust the other person enough to confide anxieties or discuss perceived hurts kills desire. Better sex starts outside the bedroom, when you’re brave enough to discuss your fears and desires in a safe space.

5. Do you still hold hands?

It’s important to show someone that you care for their touch. It might be stroking their arm, putting your hand on theirs, lying next to them on the bed — there are many ways of showing that you want to be with your partner. And if you hug for more than 20 seconds, you release the feelgood hormone oxytocin which goes a long way toward making you feel bonded. Lack of touch can make you feel lonely in your marriage which is not a good place for either of you to be.

6. Can you remember when you last learned a new thing about your partner?

Ever met a person who didn’t ask you a single question, as their sole interest was themselves? It is not a trait or habit we find attractive, and it might not have existed when love was new and exciting but somehow, in a long relationship, it’s a habit that can creep up on us. We forget to be curious about our partner. We assume we know all about them, what they’ll say, what they think. So, we don’t bother asking. It’s easy to save our best, interested self for work and not bring it to our partner. Be mindful of the interest you show in your partner. However mundane, be attentive to their sharing.

7. Do you still make an effort with your appearance?

We may not look as we did the day we said our “I dos” but we can still make an effort to remain active, healthy and attractive to ourselves and to our partner. Physical beauty should not be the be all end all or the foundation for a long-term relationship/marriage, however, if you start to feel that you can’t be bothered or self-care is absent from your life, that is worth some additional self-reflection.

8. What was the last thing you laughed about together?

Making your partner laugh when they’re complaining about something of little consequence can add some much needed levity. It doesn’t imply that you’re not listening — it’s a playful bid for connection. Little private jokes between us are worth a thousand words. People want to be “understood”, “seen” and “heard”. Laughing is a shortcut to all of this. When you laugh together, you get each other.

9. Does the prospect of an empty nest terrify you?

Some couples use their children as a buffer, a way of avoiding intimacy. They need to attend to their relationship if it’s not too late. Whether the empty nest brings freedom or doom is up to you both. Without the distractions of children in the house, it either exposes the lifeless remains of a relationship, or provides an opportunity for renewal. Often couples are too afraid to talk about it, and nothing happens. If you want a shared future, start by telling your partner what you dream of doing once the kids have left — something on your own, and something together.

10. How many interests do you share?

What activities do you share in your free time? Or is it mostly tag-team childcare – becoming only partners in the business of raising a family? If the children are grown have you simply seized the time to indulge your own separate interests? We are great at constructing reasons to avoid our partner when the relationship feels difficult. Relationships require attention and real work coupled with fun and frivolous couple time. Try new things. Plan something you want to do together.

11. Do you complain to friends about your partner?

Do you have the occasional complaint or is it frequent and incessant venting to your friends? If it’s the latter, you’re addressing the wrong audience. Often, we’re scared to tell our partner how we feel. So, we need to consider how we’ve destroyed that emotional safety in our relationship — and how we can find our way back to it. In therapy, couples are often asked to sit on chairs, back-to-back, then say what they wouldn’t dare say to each other’s face. At home consider expressing one need you believe your partner wouldn’t find it too difficult to fulfil. So not “I need to have sex every morning”, but “every night I need us to hug before we go to sleep”. Start small — but start.

12. Are there subjects you never talk about?

If you can’t talk freely, that’s a recipe for resentment and isolation. Confrontation is never well received. Try honing your ability to be attuned to your partners emotions and feelings. You’ll never be a mind-reading, but paying close attention, sensing when something’s up and knowing when to probe a subject a little deeper or leave it alone can save a marriage. Reflect on the beginnings of your relationship. Remember when you couldn’t wait to hear everything this person had to say, and you listened with respect and patience!

The road to lifelong marriage is not always easy. Bringing the best and most authentic you, being mindful, remaining committed, and staying connected will help you find the sweet spot. Taking the time to take stock of your relationship and an audit of your marriage will help lead you to your Happily Ever After.

The original article in its entirety entitled “Marriage Audit - 12 questions every long- term couple should ask” written By Jean-Claude Chalmet and published in The Times of London, February 25th, 2023 – can be found at www.thetimes.co.uk filed under article-midlife-marriage